Poetry Thursday - On friday

This Entry is a day late because I've had an exam today, so I was busy studying.

Anyway – my exams are now over and I feel a sense of relief, but also a sense of emptiness. I cannot believe I have finished my second year of university. The relief comes from being able to relax and take my time to indulge in other things.. get a bit of fun back in my life, but also emptiness because three of my flatmates are leaving tomorrow and I know I am going to struggle to find things to do. I have to stay here to work weekends and do Race for Life. I still have some friends up here, and one of my flatmates is still here. I have to take some stuff home at some point next week so I'll have enough room in my car when I move out for real.

My main focus this week has been studying, so I don't really have much to update. I've learnt a few things about my ability to express myself to others and I'm going to stop waiting around for contact when I am in doubt, as it ruins my day worrying and I can never really know how things are interpreted or what people are thinking unless I ask. I need to remember that my feelings are valid and so are other peoples. People have a way of thinking their problems are bigger than everyone elses, when in reality it is not true a lot of the time. Feelings are valid simply because they are there and nobody should be made to feel that their expression of their own suffering is not merited simply because the next person is suffering more. Maybe if people just accepted that their own problems and feelings are unique to them, and that other people are problems that are also undeniable the world would be a much nicer place. It is not a competition of who is suffering more, or whose problems are worse because that attitude just causes self doubt and resentment.

There is nothing worse than trying to confide in somebody and when you express an emotion, the come back with something about themselves 'well that happens to me but worse' or 'i felt like that but i got over it'. Saying 'I understand' is not always what we need to hear, downplaying are problems does not always help – most of the time it makes us feeling like we have no right to verbalise a situation in fear of somebody blowing it of as not a big deal. It is a big deal to the person with their heart hanging out of their chest and their brain running marathons with no finish line in sight.

Sometimes to get over things, we simply need to accept and express to be able to finally let it go. We need to stand up and say 'you know what? I have this going on right now and things are hard, and it is complicated and it is hard work and it is exhausting and I do not need to hear how lucky I am right now. I just need to feel'

~~

we just need to feel

I guess I was the hallway girl

who gave you narcolepsy, I ran through you

at three-thousand miles an hour,

I ran through you mid sentence

and you could not speak

as well as I wanted you to.

Fall in love with me, I have loud speakers

for pores and I cannot hear you

under the volume of the love bite where

my heart beat used to be. Hold candle light

to my chest and do not burn me

even though I want you to.

I'm the handstand girl
in your playground, in your lake

in your ice-cream van, in the mirror on your wall

opening and closing my summer legs

as I somersault and cartwheel

through your covered up skin. and I asked you questions

about the your insides

and you could not speak

at all.