Becoming me.

I've been reading other peoples blogs, many are inspiring, some seem to echo my own thoughts. So, aswell as having this as my photoblog, plus the highlights of my week, I've decided to update on my personal progress - my growth as a human being.

In two months, I shall turn 21. I still feel very much like that 9 year old child in a pink summer dress and multicoloured roller skates, we used to spend hours skating lampost to lampost on our street, between our next-door-but-two houses, my best childhood friend and I. That was back when our world was massive and our dreams were far away, back when we would be best friends forever and marry handsome men on the same day, have our first child in the same month.

You see, when I was a child, I envisioned my dreams as magical clouds that would fall out of the sky into my lap, and *poof*, I'd have what I want. I never imagined a 20 year old me actually having to work for what I want. Yet here I am. I've learnt many things over the past four months, I think probably the most valuable lessons of my whole life -

1) Make your goals doable and your steps to them manageable.
2) You only get out of this world what you put into it. You only get out of friendships what you put into them.
3) Happiness is an attitude you can learn. You do not need love, you do not need a perfect partner, you do not need money. All you need is those little things that make you happy, positive music and being able to resist wallowing on depression and negative things, while focusing on the positive events that happen in your life. And appreciate them.
4) Your friends are amazing people when you really get to know them.
5) If you smile and laugh at people, they shall smile and laugh back. Even if you have never spoken to them before. There is nothing more uplifting than a new friendly face to share both your experiences with.
6) I am afraid of being loved, but do not know why.

I am planning to live in france next year. I have applied through the British council to be an English Assisstant in a school or a university. I shall find out about it later this month. If I don't get in, I've decided that I am going to go to france anyway for a year. I would do pretty much any job that allows me to be in France, talk in French, meet new people and learn how to become independent, strong and confident.

~

Poetry Thursday:

(6) I am afraid of being loved, but do not know why.)

You cough like pneumonia is laughing
in places you have not yet uncovered.
And if I were honest, from the tip of my phalanges
I would say I am afraid of us,
together in this rowing boat.

We jigsaw together in new ways
that make you uncomfortable.
I was sitting on the porch this morning,
at 5.43am and waiting for you to rise,
with your yellow face throwing gazes
in front of the clouds. You are heart disease
undiscovered, an earth quake in my eyes only,

but they will find you one day
inside loud speakers
next to mobile telephones that will not
call my name. I will be filled with regret
for not telling you the things they did,
in such inappropriate ways.

It was raining and I wanted to fold you
inside umbrellas and you said no,
and somersaulted twenty feet from me,
about the distance my lungs reached
when I unbuckled them
and said breath.

16/04/07